Funny how the post preceding this one is so pleasant to read...so true, yet not my current state. No, within minutes of acknowledging my surge of gratitude I am plummeted into a sea of a different emotion. Guilt. Chad, Leif and I are going on a wham-bam-thank-you-maam kind of trip to the US. I have dreaded planning it because I knew that we would not be able to see all the people that we want to see...We've had to prioritize and that always means unhappiness. So, now our trip is planned and of course people are unhappy with the results. Some are more merciful than others in their unhappiness. I have been accused of a gammit of things...
My guilt is keeping me up at nite and it's spreading to everything. I can't eat anything without feeling desperately guilty about my bad choice in food, too much sugar, not enough veggies. I don't exercise enough and spend too much money. I don't spend as much quality time as I should with Leif...or do I spend too much time with him?
I feel squashed by it. I know that it's not good or even justified, but how do you get out of it? I want to run and hide until May...
I want to get on hands and knees and beg for mercy and understanding. I know that people want to meet Leif and I wish that we could see everyone and spend a lot of time with everyone...but it just can't be. It's funny that once you have a kid everyone wants a piece, they don't give a flip about you when you're just you, but once you get a little one...Well, that's when you're important...well actually, the little one is important... And why do we have to go to everyone? Why can't they come to us? We sacrificed a lot to get there...Why can't people see and understand that?
So...MERCY! Please!
on the flip, i'm very excited to see the people we do get to see.
I wonder if Abraham felt this way? He as called to a foreign land and went...I wonder if he yearned for home, and they yearned for him with frustration that he left...
In my defence, Chad and I were called to Australia. It has been confirmed again and again that this is where we should be. I miss my family...can't wait to see em...just hate that we're so far. I'm not sorry that we left.
Blah blah blah.
So sorry to anyone reading this.
1 comment:
erk, guilt is the blanket all moms cover themselves in. thanks to eve is suppose, its handed to us upon learning we are carring a child. we do not choose it, its bestowed on us. guilt because what we do will affect our children go the good or ill for the rest of their lives. no burden there. i brought a child into this world with problems from the git-go. i have lived with the guilt for 25 years. knowing something i had done while pregnant could have been the cause of the problem. wow. what a nightmare. but being a mom and a wife begins a new thing too a blanket of hope and opportunity. we now have the chance to mould a life, make a man, create a dreamer or a visionary, shape his mind and fill him with all good things. and believe me, the first 5 years they need the stuffins hugged out of them. the love that you put in now, will bring you joy 100fold in the years to come. resist doing anything because you think you should or because someone thinks you should. you and chad are the responsible party for his young life. rejoice, beginnings are more wonderful than endings, and to make a man who will bring joy to the world is awesom. one day you will be as close to god as anyone can be when your grown son takes his place in life, and you will stand there thinking, this is my beloved son, in whom we are well pleased. worth it all. mcm
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